Apologize
by Ras1
Summary: Set after the events of New Moon at the very beginning of Eclipse, a guilt-ridden Jasper feels the need to apologize to Bella. This is a Jasper and Bella friendship story with a strong emphasis on Alice/Jasper.
1. Apologize

**Title: ** Apologize

**Author: ** SirenPrincess

**Rating:** Teen (about the same as the books)

**Pairings:** Alice/Jasper, Edward/Bella

**Main Characters:** Jasper and Bella friendship

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort

**Word Count: ** 2,843

**Summary:** Set after the events of New Moon at the very beginning of Eclipse, Jasper feels the need to apologize to Bella.

**Disclaimer: ** Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is designed to increase fan appreciation of her work. No money is earned from the writing of this story.

~~~~~Jasper~~~~~~

I nervously watched Bella sitting at the piano with Edward. I'd kept my distance but given a polite hello after she'd received welcome back hugs from most of my relatives. She'd only been here a few hours, but it seemed like a good segment of eternity as I sat uncomfortably in her presence. The problem wasn't her; it was all me. Every time I looked at her I was filled with shame for what I had almost done and guilt for the harm I had caused. Of course, I could have gone to another room or out into the forest to clear my head, but I kept trying to work up the nerve to talk to her. I knew I had to set things right with her, but I filled with despair every time I thought about that. Words couldn't make up for what I'd done.

Still, if she was going to be around all of the time, which she certainly would be if for no other reason than it pleased Alice, I had to try. I couldn't go through this every time she came over. One way or another, we had to move past this. It comforted me somewhat to know that if this was going to end badly, surely Alice would stop me. My love was perfectly content sitting at my side. There was no trace of apprehension in her emotions. That was enough to finally push me into motion. As I glided across the room toward the piano, I reminded myself that Alice had said that Bella had forgiven me from the beginning. Of course, Alice wasn't above lying to me if she thought it was for the best. I nearly lost my nerve again right there. Unfortunately, another problem with being a vampire was that you got places too quickly. I was already beside the human. She noticed me as Edward ended his song.

"Bella . . ." I began slowly. I was suddenly acutely aware of my audience as tension filled the room. All eyes were on me. Everyone had stopped their previous activities to see what I was going to do. The shame was instantly a million times worse. My own family couldn't trust me. I couldn't do this in front of them. It was too much. "May I . . ." I cut the sentence off with a sigh. She'd never agree. It was ridiculous for me to even ask, but . . . I had to try. I was too embarrassed to say what needed to be said in front of my family. "Would it frighten you too much to talk to me in private?"

I regretted the words the moment I spoke them. Of course it would frighten her to be alone with me; it _should_ terrify her. However, it was too late to back out. If she refused, when she refused, I'd say my well rehearsed speech in front of everyone. It wasn't like it really mattered anyway. Edward would hear the whole conversation through my head, and Alice would see it all before it ever even happened. There were no secrets in a family such as ours. Still, there was quite a difference between displaying your humiliation openly in front of everyone and knowing that they would find out about it eventually.

It absolutely shocked me when Bella said, "No, of course not, Jasper," and stood to follow me. She was confused, but not afraid. A sudden surge in emotions reminded me that she wasn't the only one who would object to my being alone with her. The warning look on Edward's face was a clear indication that he wasn't about to go along with this. Of course, Edward already knew my intentions. That was one of the good things about having a mind reader for a brother. You never needed to explain yourself. My intentions did nothing to assure her safety, though. Wasn't that the whole problem? I hoped that he realized that if this decision was putting Bella in danger, Alice would have already stopped it. I concentrated on that thought for him. It was unnecessary—as soon as it occurred to me, he'd already heard it—but, it was a hard instinct to break. It was the sort of thing that usually made him roll his eyes at me, but this time he slowly nodded his assent. His eyes remained wary. Perhaps he understood that patching this rift between us would make things more comfortable for everyone, Bella included. That thought earned me another unexpected nod.

"Thank you," I said to both of them; although, I was certain that Bella had missed the silent exchange I'd had with her boyfriend. I wasn't really sure where I should take her. Anywhere inside the house would be too close to prevent prying ears from hearing, and even I didn't trust myself alone with her far enough away to prevent that. I soon found that my body had taken me to Alice's room with Bella right behind me. Subconsciously I'd chosen somewhere I felt safe.

"I've always wondered, why do you two have a bed and Edward doesn't?" she asked. She was talking out of nervousness. I intimidated her, but she still didn't feel afraid as I shut the door. She flopped herself onto the bed. She felt at home here, and why shouldn't she? This was technically Alice's room. I was too absorbed in my thoughts to laugh at what she'd obviously missed, the actual purpose of our bed.

I took a slow breath to steady myself. It was a human habit I'd never really let go of. My mind raced through the words I'd practiced over and over again in my head all evening. It got all jumbled around and none of it seemed adequate anymore. How did you say "Sorry I nearly killed you, Bella" or "Sorry I destroyed your life"? I paced the room as I tried to organize what I wanted to say. I started to begin, but the guilt I felt was suddenly so great, I was only able to suck in another ragged breath. The back of my eyes stung horribly as I recalled the day I wanted to discuss, but I refused to loose myself to my emotions.

Bella's voice broke through my misery. "Jasper, are you alright? No offense, but I've never seen a vampire look like he's about ready to pass out before," she joked. When I didn't reply, she began to worry. "What's wrong?" she whispered.

She was concerned about me? It was too much, but it was the catalyst I needed to start the flood of words. "Bella, I wanted to formally apologize for my behavior on your last birthday. I . . ."

She cut me off with a sigh of relief. "Is that all? Jasper, you had me so worried! Didn't Alice tell you that I forgave you the day that it happened?"

I frowned. I had been certain that Bella would get angry with me once I broached the subject. Didn't she realize that everything that had happened since that moment had been my fault? It was my fault she nearly died. It was because of me that Edward had left her. Even the Volturi wouldn't be coming for her if it weren't for me. "She did, but . . . what I did . . . it's unforgivable."

"Jasper, you were acting on instinct. Honestly, it's my fault for being so clumsy. If I hadn't cut myself . . ." She shook her head as she trailed off. "I don't blame you. I know that giving up human blood is extremely hard for you. You're the newest at it. You can't expect to be perfect at it to start with. With more practice you'll be better able to resist those urges, like Carlisle or Edward. It's understandable why you reacted like that."

"It's inexcusable," I growled. She probably didn't know that I'd been a murderer well before my siblings were even born, but that guilt sat heavy in my heart. It was my own fault that I truly craved human blood more than any of the others.

"Jasper, have you been beating yourself up over this since it happened?" Genuine concern touched her voice again.

I couldn't understand her reaction, but I could feel that she really was worried about me. Was my need to castigate myself really a question to debate? She was like a baby sister to me, and I'd been so close to ending her life. "Bella, I nearly killed you. Yes, the thought of what I did tortures me."

"You do realize that I was never in any real danger don't you?" she asked.

So that's how she could forgive me. She didn't truly understand. I hated that I needed to explain it to her, but she needed to know. "Bella, I was frenzied from the blood. I tried, believe me, I _did_ try, but I couldn't control myself. I was going to bleed you dry." I closed my eyes. I couldn't look at her as she realized that I was a killer.

"I don't believe that you really would have, but that wasn't my point. My point was that I was never in danger. Do you really think that you could have fought past Edward to hurt me? And Alice? She wouldn't have stopped you? Even if you had managed to bite me, one of them would have pulled you off of me before I was dead. I'd be a vampire now, but that's what I want anyway. There's no way your family would have let you kill me. I was never in any danger."

Of course she was right. Despite my family's common affliction, I was the only one capable of murdering my sister. Everyone else would have protected her from me. It was suddenly too much. Carlisle and the Cullens, they were all vampires, but I was the only real monster here. I didn't belong here with any of them, these peaceful and gentle beings. Not even with Alice. She was too good for me. "I don't know how you, or any of my family for that matter, can stand to be around me now," I gasped. "Not now that you know what a real monster I truly am." I put my hand over my eyes so that she couldn't see the tremors overtake me.

I cried in silence for a minute, unable to focus on anything but my own self-hatred. I shook uncontrollably as I tried to blink away the tears that could never come. I'd given up any pretense of holding myself together. My body shuddered with sobs like it actually depended upon the ineffective gasps of breath for air.

A warm hand on my shoulder made me jerk from shock. "Shh, stop that," she whispered firmly. "Stop. Please stop punishing yourself."

I dropped the hand from my eyes to stare at her in disbelief. Was she insane? She was inches away from me and touching me. Did she truly not realize how dangerous it was for her to put her pulsating carotid artery so close to my salivating mouth? Her arms were suddenly around me in a hug. She put her head gently on my shoulder. "No one here thinks you're a monster, Jasper. I know I don't."

Then something inexplicable happened. The craving didn't take control like it always did. Her calmness washed over me, and it calmed me. My breathing slowed to match hers. Despite the throbbing of her heartbeat, the flow of venom lessened somewhat. The urge to drink her blood just vanished. I looked into her eyes, confused by this new sensation. I could tell that she trusted me completely. She felt safe, so I felt safe. I wasn't going to hurt her. I was confident of that. It occurred to me that maybe she wasn't crazy. I wasn't sure how much Edward had told her of my power, but perhaps she had known this would happen. Was she doing this on purpose?

I realized extremely belatedly that Alice had always done this for me naturally. Since the moment I'd met her, I'd known that her hopefulness had influenced me, but I'd never really realized the extent of it. Alice's visions allowed her to be calm and confident whenever I feared harming a human. She was able to tell me with certainty that I wasn't going to hurt someone, and then the strength to overcome the hunger would come out of nowhere. I'd always thought that it was amazing that she could see the future like that, but what if it wasn't just her predicting my fate? What if Alice's faith in me had influenced her emotions such that she was the cause of any self-control I ever experienced?

The striking contrast between the absolute calmness I felt with Bella pressed to my shoulder and the horrible agitation I'd felt that awful day made me reexamine my emotions from that episode. Hunger had flooded me. It had increased exponentially as more and more of it had washed over me. Then I'd been overcome with aggression. What if not all of those feelings had been my own? What if not all of the hunger I'd felt had been mine? Of course I knew that I felt the emotions of others, but I'd never really thought about the effects of my siblings' hunger on my own self-control. That day I'd been surrounded by vampires nearly overwhelmed by their urges. Had I absorbed their desire for blood? Now that I recognized what had occurred, was it possible for me to separate myself from their hunger the way I had learned to with their emotions? Had Edward's immediate surge in aggression caused that same feeling inside me? What would have happened if I'd had someone calm and relaxed next to me that day like I did now? I carefully stored those thoughts for later reflection.

The most important thing was my future actions. I knew now that I wasn't a danger to Bella. There was no way that I could hurt her if she could stay composed like this. Her tranquility was enough to overcome my natural reaction. "Thank you, Bella," I breathed with amazement. I'd have to discuss this new theory with Alice. Perhaps she already understood it. Perhaps she'd been using this strategy on me for years, but I knew she'd be able to trust me and stay calm for me when I needed. "Bella, do you think that you can keep your emotions like that, even when I start to act scary?" I asked.

"You won't hurt me," she said confidently.

"I won't," I instantly agreed. She was safe to be around me, at least to hang out in our house until Edward finally decided to turn her. And, I felt that I had a deep new insight into my deplorable behavior in the past. What kind of effect had being surrounded by dozens of starving newborns had on me in my early days? It was a lot to think about, but I saved it for later. "I think we've probably kept Edward and Alice on edge enough for one day, don't you think? Maybe we should go back downstairs?"

Bella hugged me tighter for a brief second before she released me. I headed back down the stairs, still contemplating my new view on things. I was not surprised to find Alice at the bottom waiting for me. She leaped into my arms the moment I hit the main floor. "I knew you wouldn't hurt her," she said proudly.

"Of course not," I said with a smile I genuinely felt. Alice was happy, so I was happy.

"Edward and I are going to play a game of chess. We waited because Bella's going to want to watch," she informed me. I was used to her telling me people's opinions on things they hadn't even been asked yet. It still made my grin widen. Her enthusiasm was infectious.

"Good, can Bella and I play after that? I'm very curious to see how good a strategist she really is."

Edward laughed at my thoughts. "Bella, a strategist? No, she had no idea. Luckily for all of us, Bella doesn't seem to have any sense of what's dangerous."

Bella pretended to shove him. "I'd love to play you at chess, Jasper." She was excited about it, and so was I.

******

Comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.


	2. A Risk Worth Taking

**Title: ** A Risk Worth Taking

**Author: ** SirenPrincess

**Rating:** Teen (about the same as the books)

**Characters:** Jasper and Bella friendship, still all canon pairings

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort

**Word Count: ** 2,420

**Summary:** Jasper didn't realize how much the discussion of a newborn army had terrified Bella. Is it possible for him to soothe her, or is that a risk not worth taking?

**Author's Notes:** Special thanks to my beta-reader, not-from-stars. This isn't really a second chapter to Apologize, but rather another fanfic set in that same storyline. It will only make sense if you've read Apologize. It's sort of a follow-up story.

**Disclaimer: ** Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is designed to increase fan appreciation of her work. No money is earned from the writing of this story.

~~~~~Jasper~~~~~~

I scanned the woods one more time, still nothing. I didn't expect to find anything while assigned to surveillance duty at Bella's house, but I was still glad that I was there protecting her. I was the one who was best suited for combat if our enemies did try to reach her, especially if my suspicions were correct. Whether Bella's stalker or part of the newborn army attacked, I was ready. I heard the sound of Edward's car leaving. He would be back before long to relieve me, but in the meantime, we all knew that Bella was safe.

Suddenly, I felt a flood of emotions. Scared. Worried. Terrified. I looked up to find Bella standing at her open window. Even from a distance I could tell that she was crying; her entire body was shaking with tremors. There was no physical threat. I could sense that there was no other creature around. There was no cause for her to be feeling this way; yet, the emotions were extremely strong. Bella was distraught.

It seemed entirely likely that I was, once again, the cause of her pain. I hadn't held much back when discussing the newborns with her. I had, of course, noticed her reaction. She'd been horrified, but we had been discussing horrific things. I thought she had the right to know what we were facing, but perhaps Edward was right. I should have protected her from the truth.

What to do? She was safe, even if she was in pain. My duty was to protect her from danger. Going up to comfort her would actually put her at a greater risk. Edward would not approve. Still, she was my friend, at least I considered her to be. She was more than that; she was family. Bella had calmed me when I'd been so upset. Didn't I owe it to her to make her feel better if it were in my power? I knew that I could control myself around her when she was calm. Could I maintain my self-discipline while she was upset? No, if she was afraid, that would make me afraid, and that was a very dangerous thing. But, what if she was just so scared because she was alone? The exponential spike in her feelings had started when Edward left. Could seeing me really give her some relief? I'd be able to tell her response without getting too close. Perhaps that was a risk worth taking.

Before I had a chance to become too immersed in her fear, I focused on calming myself and then raced up to her window. Scaling the house was an easy task. She wasn't standing there anymore. She was sitting on her bed, crying into her hands. Crouching just outside her windowsill, I whispered her name. "Bella?"

Her head popped up at my words. "Jasper? What is it? What's wrong?" she cried as she rushed to the window.

She thought I'd seen something, and it frightened her more. Not good. Her emotions were starting to overwhelm me. Panic tended to cause a very explosive reaction in me. I fell back against the side of her house, still crouching on part of her roof. I was panting from the effort of keeping myself calm. "Everything's fine, Bella. Please relax. You're safe," I hissed through my gritted teeth.

Relief. The apprehension faded away as quickly as it had come. I concentrated on her momentary serenity and used it to calm myself back down. I feared it wouldn't last for long. She would start worrying again. I needed to act before her emotions carried her away again.

"May I come in?" I asked in a husky voice. I would understand if she refused. Having me that close to her was a perilous proposition. I'd be able to feel if she wanted to refuse, even if her words said otherwise.

She was confused, but she was genuinely happy to have me there. I smiled. Bella had always put more faith in me than I deserved. Still, I knew it was safe now. I wouldn't hurt her. I jumped through her window in an easy arch. "Don't feel obligated to say yes. People tend not to like it when I mess with their emotions. But, you were so distraught. I thought you might like my help dealing with that," I explained.

Her head was nodding before she'd even had a chance to fully register my words. "Yes," she practically begged as the breath rushed out of her.

"Shh," I whispered as I centered myself in my own calmness. Slowly, I transferred that feeling to her. By degrees, I felt her body slowly relax. The more I sedated her, the more I was able to calm myself. I was confident that I wouldn't hurt her. The always present thirst was tolerable in the peaceful sea of emotions we existed in. I slowly wrapped my arms around her. This was quite possibly the only human in existence that could relax in a vampire's embrace. She buried her head into my hard chest. "Everything's going to be fine, Bella."

"They're coming for us. You said it would be too close a fight. If they hurt just one of you . . ." Influenced by me as she was, she was able to articulate her concerns, but there was no accompanying emotions behind them.

I understood exactly what she meant. The thought of a newborn army coming anywhere near Alice terrified me, but I refused to let my body react to that. I kept us both immersed in the calmness. "I'm a good fighter, Bella, and a good strategist. I have a lot of experience in this area, and I'm certain that our opponent is naive. I'll protect the family."

She sighed against me. Talking so much required air, and the scent of her was burning my throat. Still, it was a small price to pay for comforting her. I was glad I was able to help her. "I could help you fall asleep, if you'd like," I offered.

"Yeah," she agreed again. "I haven't really been sleeping well recently." I could see that, now that I looked, from the darkness under her eyes.

I was going to suggest that she go lay down, but she was clinging to me. How odd. I was the most dangerous Cullen, but my presence was helping her feel safe. I wouldn't deny her that. Her body was light as a feather as I scooped her up into my arms and carried her to her rocking chair. She snuggled into me as I lulled her into a deep sleep.

Part of me knew that I should put her safely in her bed and leave before Edward returned, but I worried that she might begin to have nightmares if I did. She deserved a few moments of peaceful slumber. I felt Edward the moment he spotted us. Instead of the anger I feared, he was concerned. I wasn't thinking of what had happened, only that she was relaxed now, so he didn't know what had occurred.

Anger flooded me the moment he saw it in my thoughts. Bella hadn't been attacked. There was no intruder. I had put her at risk just to soothe her. I pushed a bit of calmness at him before his anger had a chance to overtake me. He wouldn't like that, but it was better than letting him affect my emotions while I was holding Bella.

"You would have wanted me to come up here, too, if you felt half of the emotions that were coming off of her tonight. She was terrified. I know you wouldn't have wanted her to stay in that much pain," I defended myself. I focused on thinking about how she had felt to me. Emotions didn't transfer across in thoughts the same way they did for me, but I hoped that he would feel a portion of what I had felt.

The tension from him drained. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you for helping her. I can see from your memories that you were better in control of yourself than I would have thought possible. You really care about her, don't you?"

"She's my favorite sister," I whispered as I shifted Bella's limp body into Edward's awaiting arms. "Take good care of her."

I darted out the window, but turned back to watch him lie her on the bed. "If she needs . . ." I shook my head. Saying 'if she needs me' sounded ridiculous, even to me. Luckily, Edward would understand. "She's exhausted. If she wakes up, call me. She needs a good night's rest."

I ran out into the woods to feed. As much as I loved Bella, being around her was always a calculated risk.

********

I raced through the forest, trying to catch a scent of non-human blood. I needed something, a deer perhaps, anything to even slightly quench the unbearable thirst. My throat was scorching with fire. Bella's scent had permeated the air of her small room so strongly, and I'd held her so close. I hadn't been tempted to bite her; I knew I couldn't live with myself if I did that. Still, she had physiologic effects on my body that I couldn't prevent. I was thirstier than I'd been in quite a long time. I zigzagged through the forest, having finally caught a decent trail.

I pulled up and stopped suddenly when I saw something pale move in the distance. I reacted defensively for just a moment until I felt her emotions. There was no way that an enemy would be pleased to see me. I took a few more steps until she came into view. Alice was sitting on a tree stump, patiently waiting for me. She was happy to see me, but rather annoyed.

After all these years, I no longer questioned how she knew exactly where to find me. "I take it you saw that?" I asked as I tried to puzzle out precisely why she was annoyed with me.

"Perhaps you'd like to tell me _why_ you subjected me to visions of Bella's bloody death for a good five minutes?" The irritation was obvious in her tone.

"I was never going to . . ." I gasped, but I couldn't complete the sentence. We both knew the truth. At no point did I ever have any intent of hurting Bella, but it wouldn't have taken much for me to lose control. If Bella had panicked instead of feeling relieved by my presence, if I'd given Edward a second longer to affect me with his anger . . . "Was it really that close?" I breathed. I couldn't even think about it. The idea was just too disturbing. Suddenly, I felt a horrible guilt for subjecting Alice to seeing that in visions.

Perhaps sensing my remorse, she shrugged. "The future was fluctuating, but there were some pretty horrific images in there for a while. The outcome didn't lie with you, though. You didn't have to decide not to hurt her. The future stabilized once Bella chose to relax for you. Still, that was really dangerous. What were you thinking, Jasper?"

I ducked my head, ashamed of myself. "I just can't stand to see a girl cry," I muttered.

Alice smiled. "I know. That's one of the things I love about you. You wouldn't be my Jazz if you were any different." She soothingly ran her fingers across my forehead and then gently caressed my cheek.

"But, perhaps next time you could, oh, I don't know, call me? You do have a psychic programmed into your speed dial. Or at the very least, you could return my frantic phone calls." She reached into my pocket and retrieved my cell phone. She flipped it open to show me that I had seven missed calls. Crap.

I closed my eyes, knowing that I was in trouble. I'd been so focused on fighting my hunger and the emotions that I hadn't even heard it ringing. I was surprised that Alice wasn't absolutely furious with me. I'd caused her pain. That was unacceptable. "I'm sorry, Alice." It was inadequate, but it was all I had to offer.

She hugged me until I relaxed into her embrace. She must have seen that I was already punishing myself for my thoughtlessness, and that the depression I was spiraling into was likely to get out of control. "I forgive you. I'm glad you helped Bella. She needed you. You don't know how happy I am that you can help her. Just please don't forget me next time."

"Next time?" I asked, surprised. Had she seen me doing something like this again?

She ignored my question. "I am proud of you. That was a very kind thing to do, and I know how much control it took. The scent in her room is overpowering." She ran her fingers softly under my hungry eyes. "Come on. Let's ease the pain of your thirst before Edward calls you. Bella's going to wake-up about 2 AM."

"Is it safe for me to do that?" I asked, unsure. I couldn't get the images of Bella dying at my hands out of my head.

She nodded. "You have to let Edward calm her down first, her emotions will be too strong from the nightmare. But, it's safe for you to go help her back to sleep. I have absolute confidence in you."

Sometimes I wondered if she did, or if she just told me that she did to boost my own faith in my self-control. Regardless, Alice was certain that I wasn't going to hurt Bella, and for once, I was actually helping her.


End file.
